the worthwhile of a smile

Over the past 20 years, I have earned 16 Certifications in various Wellness fields. Today I can't find them.

24 hours ago, I went to look for them. I knew where they'd be because I am organized. But they weren't where I left them. They weren't anywhere.

Misplaced, lost, accidentally given away to charity? Unknowingly thrown away?

They're gone. I have to accept this.

But for the past 12 hours, I hadn't.

I LOST MY SHIT.

I panicked, I yelled, I cried, I screamed. I begged to find them. I pounded my fist on the ground. I pleaded to the Universe and my ancestors to help me.

PLEASE. WHERE ARE THEY? HELP ME FIND THEM!

I called my mom 10x in a row and asked her the same questions over and over.

"HAVE YOU SEEN THEM? DID YOU MOVE THEM? DID YOU THROW THEM AWAY?"

All it did was cause her pain with my worry (because she cares).

I beat myself up for not having more control, not only in my attitude, but my organization. I shamed myself for not being 'in tune' enough for my intuition to TELL me where they were.

I could not accept reality.

I have worked SO HARD, for SO LONG for this proof of education. Due to two of the schools no longer being around, a majority of these are irreplaceable. 11 of the 16 certifications come from my first Massage school. One is my Yoga Teacher Certification (although I should have a second yoga certificate for my first 200-hour training, but that's another story). Another is my Herbalism Certification. My Wellness Coach Certification. Two Esthetician Licenses.

I still have my High School diploma, but do I care about it? No, high school education wasn't for me. I got to choose each one of these Wellness programs and I put my Heart, Soul, Energy and a fuck-ton of money into every single one. They are my accomplishments and I am proud of them.

I know they're just pieces of paper, but they are also documentations of my past. They are validation. They hold sentimental value of the person I was when I received them, and I even care about the specific frames I got for each one.

And yet, how tangible are they really?

My best friend Nina, who has a psychology degree and is someone I've known for almost 30 years, said to me, "Robin, it's not like you have documentation for every single thing that has happened to you in your life."

She's right.

I don't have documentation for all the pivotal points in my life. I don't have proof for all my accomplishments, or something to show for every heartbreak. No verification for how hard it has been on my own. No paper trail for the times I kept trying. No record of my ex cheating and conceiving a baby while we were still together (he has a record: a son).

I also don't know the amount of times I have taken a yoga class in the past 27 years, nor the number of hours I have spent meditating since I was 12. I do not have a track record of how many people I have helped feel better, but I know it's more than I think.

I don't know how many times I have picked up my shattered heart and gone on yet another first date. On the other hand, I do have the proof of many unflattering photographs when I darn-tootin' well know I look better in person.

So, WHY do we need proof??

It's that funny thing of when someone passes away, when we want to know how they died to believe it. Or, after we find out someones backstory, only then do we show more compassion.

Are we less valuable if we come up with nothing substantial to prove our worth?

Above my education, I have made my character hold my value. Thru all this schooling, thru all my practice, my character has grown. Character is currency, and I have always respected that my currency rate holds strong. I am trustworthy, I have a backbone, I even love AND like myself. I can hold my own.

I have gone thru all that effort to better myself for me, and for you. To teach how to be kind to yourself when things get stupid. To understand that even with so much self-care, I too will still suffer. To understand that there can be 2 Truths in one story.

I can get in better shape, but still take crappy photos.

I can try to keep control, and still lose my mind.

I can try to not get hurt, and still get hurt.

I can accept things are gone, and still miss them.

I am still bummed I can't find my certificates. My heart is heavy, my thumb is aching (the thumb is associated with the Lung Meridian and Grief is it's emotion/being in tune with my body, it is common for me to feel this energetic correspondence), my eyes are puffy and blood-shot, and yet...I am grounded.

Funny how devastation can lead you to that somewhat weird form of security: I know what I know and I must move on.

But I had to grieve first. No one wants to be told what to do.

"The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed...exactly as it is." - Parker Palmer

It angered me to hear that "I'll get over this someday" while I was still upset, but now that I've had my hissy-fit I can look on the bright-side: I do have some pictures of my certificates, and really, when has anyone ever asked to look at my proof of authorization?

Would I be able to get to this point of peace within such a short time frame if I hadn't done all that work? Would I feel this confident sharing my experience with you? Would I be able to feel the humility with simplicity? Would I have such a well-rounded personality and the ability to laugh at myself if I had not given so much effort to learn?

What I have learned from all my experience and education is grace. Grace I now know how to give it to others. Compassion when you're suffering, even if you're analytically-minded. To hurt without hurting others while you grieve.

I have gained resilience, so much in fact, that I am still surprised me how fast I can reach emotional homeostasis.

Another light of this tragedy, is that I would have not been inspired to write which brings me much fulfillment, nor would I have realized I missed an email from a potential client.

Trust that I am very pleased to have this little crumble to chew on while I choke down my acceptance cookie.

After 2 and half hours of yoga and cardio, all the while listening to 'Improving Memory & Concentration' sounds via Spotify, I have found my acceptance; I found my peace. I once again see all the beauty and potential around me. I even care less about proving my worth- go figure.

I'd love if my certificates were found, but I accept that they're gone. I also hope that they're found, and I'll take your hope, too!

I hope you can learn to accept that which is difficult to. I hope you find a way to keep hoping.

Smiling is optional. Acceptance is key.

***this photo was found in my Great Aunts collection of elementary school notes from her classmates in the late 1920s. The quote is slightly altered from its true Author, Poet Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1850-1919:

"It's easy enough to be happy

when the world goes along like a song,

but the man worth while

is the man with a smile

when everything goes dead wrong"